My Martha Stewart Moment

I am not really crafty. I don't own a glue gun and I don't make things. I see things and think "I could make that" but I never do. However, every year for the holidays I try to channel Martha. CityCrab always says that a homemade gift means more than anything you can buy. And it's nicer than cash. CityCrab's family has a huge annual Chanukah celebration. There are about 30 people in his immediate family so it really turns into a gathering. Every year, I try to bring something I made. A few years back, I made chocolate dipped pretzel sticks. This is the easiest thing I have ever done. Melt the chocolate, dip the pretzel and then dip it in sprinkles or crushed m&ms and done. These were a hit but you can't show up every year with the same thing. That almost borders on showing you don't care. As most of you know I have a 6 month old baby so that definitely cramps my style (and time) a bit. I thought about doing something with apples since I have bushels from my mother. But apples are so not a "treat." So, I thought I would do a little Martha channeling. I conjured up my most creative thoughts from deep inside. I even watched Whatever for inspiration. Nothing. Then I went to the grocery store and saw that cookie dough was on sale. Perfect! I bought logs of cookie dough. I bought frosting in a jar and sprinkles and colored sugar crystals. I was ready to go to town. Well, the first batch of cookies came out very crispy. So those went to the garbage men to say "thank you for picking up after us all year," because nothing says happy holidays like burned cookies. The next batch was better. The decorating was actually fun. I dumped the whole thing of frosting in a zip lock bag, snipped the end and went to work. I made Jewish stars and dreidels. Then I made dots and lines. I even tried a multi-colored plaid (didn't work). I had frosting in my hair and frosting all over the counter. Reuben & Lulu were stationed right at my feet for the frosting and cookie crumbs that fell off the counter. Lucky for me they make a great clean-up committee. It was fun. The final outcome a success. My house a mess. Martha Stewart would have been appalled. Oh well.

Matchmaker, Matchmaker, Make Me a Match

I fancy myself a bit of a matchmaker. I am no Yenta. But I like to make matches where I see fit. CityCrab is often a party to this. For example, we attended a birthday party of a friend. Met a very nice guy there. Talked to him for about 20 minutes. Weeks pass and we have a friend coming to town. We decide to call this guy, out of the blue, and see if he's interested in meeting our friend for a drink. Volia! A date. CityCrab and I have had one successful match. Success is defined as a match that leads to marriage. Although, we can hardly take credit for it since we didn't premeditate the introduction, it just kinda happened. As an amateur matchmaker, you must always be aware of who is single, who is looking, what their stats are and always have people in mind. Afterall, it's not as though you can actually write this stuff down. It has happened this way for centuries in many cultures. And, there are those today who continue the tradition. You know who you are. So, if you know of anyone...call me!

The Matzah Ball

The Jewish people have many traditions. Some religious, some cultural. Two of these traditions occur on Christmas, oddly enough. One is Chinese food and movies on Christmas day. For whatever reason, these are the only 2 establishments open on Christmas. And, it is pretty much universal, whether you are in New York, California, Florida or anywhere in between, where I heard a rumor that Jews live. The other tradition is The Matzah Ball. I am not sure where this originated but I have to think it's the brainchild of some Jewish club promoter. This event occurs on Christmas Eve and is an opportunity for Jews to descend on a drinking establishment for revelry and good cheer. This, however, is not universal and occurs in mnay varieties. For example, in larger cities like NY, Chicago & Atlanta, these events are comonly for singles. A Jewish mtoher's dream that you will attend and meet the spouse of your dreams, become engaged on the following Christmas Eve and be married by Passover. In smaller cities, like Charleston, SC where I live, it casts a wider net. There are singles and married couples and divorcees and people in their 20s and people in their 50s. In these small cities, there are not enough of any one group to make up a contingency for a matzah ball, so we like to throw it all together. A mixed matzah ball, if you will. So, Wednesday night CityCrab and I attended the Matzah Ball. It was a chance to catch up with friends, see people who live elsewhere but make it home for the holidays and do a little amateur matchmaking.

yourbabycanread.com

So, I finally got around to calling the number to see what this was all about. And, I was informed that my baby can read. For $79.99. What happened to the $14.95 deal? Let me back up. Last night, we had a small Chanukah party and Mama Ruth asked me if I called the number. CityCrab shoots me a raised eyebrow which I ignore and nonchalantly answer back, "not yet." One thing about Mama Ruth, for a 90 year old brain, she doesn't forget a thing. So, this morning I tear apart my desk looking for the scrap of paper that has the number on it. I find it and call where I am greeted by a very chipper fellow who immediately asks my name & zip code. He confirms the spelling of my name and my city, making it sound much more alluring than it is (his chipper voice again). He then told me that since I was calling I "must have a baby I care about." Ping! BS meter on! I played right into it and said that since I do have a baby I care about, I didn't have a lot of time to chat. Did he have a website? Of course, he did: yourbabycanread.com. So, I went directly there just dying to see what it had to say. Well, this was not just any program, it is the premier early language development system created by a Dr. Robert Titzer (seriously? Titzer?). And it has been featured on Montel. Uh, I thought that show was cancelled with Sally Jessy Raphael? So, now I'm in a bit of a pickle. How do I call Mama Ruth and tell her she's been duped? I suppose I just pick up the phone and tell her it's $79.95. That should cure it.

The Talking 6 Month Old

This is from the files of the "I can't believe this is my life." Earlier today the phone rings. It's Mama Ruth. I know it's her, because she does this thing where she is already talking by the time you pick up the phone so you catch in her mid-sentence. This is what I catch: "...5 o'clock this morning on channel 32, they have something that I want to buy. I will pay for it but I need your permission." She wants to buy the Monster1200 steam cleaner CityCrab is obsessed with? She wants to buy the Ron Popeil Rotisserie? (Did she forget one of her friends gave it to us as wedding present? Of course she did.) Oh no. She saw a "thing", as she so eloquently called it, that teaches children to talk. This is how she explains it: "The girl on the TV points to a yellow circle and the child says 'yellow'. It's created by a doctor. A Dr. Tisch-something, Jewish, I imagine. It's $14.95." So, at this point I know that she is up at 5:30am, watching infomercials (which just screams inheritance depletion) and that she thinks a $14.95 thing created by a Jewish doctor, natch, can teach CityBaby to talk. When I ask what it is called, she says she has no idea but she gives me a phone number. And, because I have a sense of humor, I jot it down. Now I have to call it and see what this thing is all about. Stay tuned....

Chanukah

Last year's Chanukah post explained the Miracle of Chanukah as the ability to somehow always find 44 candles for the menorah. This year's miracle will be my ability to actually pull it off. Last year was a time of innocence when my biggest problem problem was finding enough candles. This year, I've got a whole new set of issues. I am not very organized. At all. And anyone who knows me, knows this. Having just moved 10 months ago means that I cannot find anything I need. For example, earlier this week I tried to find last year's leftover cards to send holiday greetings. Guess I won't be sending any this year. (Consider this a public plea for forgiveness.) I also tried to find our menorahs. We have 2: one from my grandmother and one CityCrab gave me. If I don't get on it, this year we'll be blowing out birthday candles instead of lighting Chanukah ones. I was talking with a friend earlier today who suggested I go to Target for chocolate gelt. I was encouraged until she said that I would really need to root around in there since it was kinda picked over. Well, this year it's real gelt for everyone! The one thing I did get was presents. And, not only did I buy presents for CityBaby, I hid them....FROM A 6 MONTH OLD! See, I am not all air up there. But the good news is that this year I am sharing the holiday with CityCrab and my friends and family who live close by, and starting a new tradition with CityBaby. So, we may not have candles but miracles still abound.

Having The Vision

I think I need a vision board. I've been reading a lot about them lately and hearing about them on blogs, from friends even from Oprah (whom I think may have invented it, like everything else). I am not exactly sure if they work. Although, I can see why they would work. A constant reminder of where you are going. Like the GPS that tells you take a right in 2 miles. I often write notes to myself and stick them in all kinds of places so I don't forget to take the stroller out of the car or call the doctor to renew my prescription. I know that the new year always brings out the list of resolutions that typically last a few weeks (at least for me). But maybe if I have a constant reminder I'll stay fosused. I'm going to invest in a glue stick and see where it takes me. How's that for vision?

The Big Apple

Last week my mother showed up at my door with a box of apples. A big box of apples. Family friends sent them 2 boxes this year and she didn't know what to do with them so she gave them to me. Who doesn't love holiday apples? I have since discovered that it is nearly impossible for 2 people to eat that many apples. But I am doing my darnedest to disprove that theory. So, for the past week we have been eating apple crisp and apple oatmeal. Apples with cheese and apples with peanut butter. Even Reuben & Lulu were able to get in on the gig since apples are a vet-approved food. CityBaby is getting homemade apple sauce. And, at my sister in law's suggestion I am going to attempt an apple cake. I am appled out.

Kabbalah

I should start this post by saying that I am going to reveal some controversial ideas here and I am treading on new territory since I hardly ever speak about religion or politics. I consider myself a fairly religious person. I embrace my Jewish identity, I observe Jewish holidays and being Jewish is a large part of who I am, certainly from a cultural perspective. I don't claim to understand it all and I am not a scholar. However, I think Kabbalah is for amateurs. I suppose the most annoying part about it is that people like Madonnna have made it into something I don't think it is. It's crazy to me that Madonna can strap a red string on her wrist, start a trend and show up at Rosh Hashanah services with Demi & Ashton. What about the guilt, what about the birthing hips? You can't just believe in the secret Jewish meaning of numbers and become a Jew. I just don't buy it.

Infected

I had my first computer virus this past week. It was a very traumatic experience. Actually, I was embarrassed. I innocently opened my hotmail to, ironically, send a work email. All of a sudden in my work email, I saw the subject line: "Welcome to you online shopping!" I immediately was annoyed by whichever friend send me this crap. Then I saw that I was the sender. And my stomach dropped. Did I realize I had a virus? No. I was wracked with shame because there was a spelling error in the subject line. Then my inbox became flooded with emails from friends asking if I had sent and about my new business (!?!). My stomach dropped some more. I responded, in hindsight a little too defensively, that I would never send that email especially with a spelling error in the subject line and how could you even think I would. I was lashing out with no reason. Textbook vulnerable behavior. Well, I am glad the whole thing is behind me. I don't do contagious very well.

Superstition

My family is superstitious. Not umbrella in the house, death happens in 3s superstitious. Crazy superstitious. It might be cultural (we're Jewish) or it might just be we are crazy. For example, when CityBaby was born Mama Ruth instructed me to take him home from the hospital and rub a pishy diaper on his face. Pishy is apparently Yiddish for urine soaked diaper. When I protested, she instructed me to put a red Kabbalah string around his wrist. For those of you who know me, I think Kabbalah is for amateurs. Here's how the conversation went:

Mama Ruth: Put a red string on his wrist.
Me: It's a choking hazard.
Mama Ruth: Then put it on his ankle.
Me: It's a CHOKING HAZARD!
Mama Ruth: Then put a red ribbon under his crib mattress and on his car seat.
Me: OK, Fine!

Now, I must backup and tell you the extent to which Mama Ruth takes this seriously. She wears a red ribbon on her bra everyday. I remember many moments as a child in the Loehmann's dressing room staring at that thing. If you meet her, she will proudly reveal her bra strap sporting the red ribbon and tell you that she was into it before Madonna. But it goes further than this. When we recently purchased a new car to meet the needs of our expanding family, the first time we picked her up she got in the backseat and threw change on the floor. Later, CityCrab (who is a bit of a neat freak) was in the back picking it up. I had to break the news to him: Don't pick it up. It's a superstition and if you pick it up, she'll just keep throwing it. Same with when you move into a new house. We invited her over the day we moved in. I opened the door to be greeted by her standing there with a broom, a pound of sugar and more change. She instructed me to come outside, close the door and go back in. I obeyed. Why? I had to enter the house with the broom and the sugar. She threw the change on the floor and I had to sweep it into a corner. Why? So, I will always have a life filled with prosperity (change), cleanliness (broom) & healthy (sugar. Sugar? She obviously doesn't know that white sugar kills). It doesn't end there. It seems as though I learn a new superstition everyday. Whenever I share one of CityBaby's acheivements, I have to spit. If I mistakenly walk across someone who is lying on the floor, I have to walk back over them. Did you know they could die? And, don't even ask what you have to do when you put a hat on the bed. In fact, now that I'm about finished with this post, I think I need to rub my own face with a dirty diaper. Luckily, we have a surplus of those around here.